We all want a good relationship. But in many cases this can be surprisingly difficult to make reality. The thing is, when you take emotion out of the equation, relationships are surprisingly simple.
Ha! We hear you snort… That’s easy for you to say. And you’d be correct. Because when it comes to relationships, removing the emotion is nigh on impossible.
But let’s, for a crazy moment, suppose that this could be possible. By doing this we can analyze exactly what we need to do to ensure that the relationship we want is the one we actually have. And once you understand that, you’re well on the way to achieving your goal.
1. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t want to be with you.
Now, in the cold light of day, this sounds pretty obvious – yes? But in reality, many of us do exactly this. Listen up – if you’re partner says one thing (in this case, “I want to be with you”), but acts in the opposite manner, then his or her actions are speaking far louder than their words.
There are loads of ways someone can show you they’re committed without actually saying the words – and vice versa. For example, when you’re in a good relationship, each of you will do things like calling or texting to check you got home safely, or not constantly making excuses to change arrangements you’ve made. They won’t make up silly excuses (because that’s exactly what they are) not to spend time with you. If someone is doing this, then why on earth are you bothering trying to justify it. And there’s certainly no point in your wasting your precious time and effort on them.
2. Be the ‘You’ you know and like within the relationship
It’s essential that you can be yourself within your partnership. And if the relationship is going to work, and work in the long term, then you should both bring out the best in each other.
If you find yourself acting in a way that’s not natural, or in a way you don’t like, within the relationship, then this should be a big red flag that all is not well. And if it’s making you feel anxious, inadequate, insecure, upset, sad, depressed, etc.? Well, these are all warning signs of a bad relationship.
But those pesky emotions seem intent on making many of us stay in a relationship even though it makes us feel so bad. The trick is to recognize this and take the (sometimes huge) step of getting out. Remember! A good relationship doesn’t make you feel bad about yourself – it does the total opposite.
3. Don’t tell the other person what they ‘should’ be doing
Let’s be very clear here. If you’re telling your partner what they ‘should’ be doing, what you’re actually telling them is that the way they’re acting is wrong. And who on earth wants to be told that, in essence, they’re a loser?
Think about it. How do you feel if you’re told that you should do something in a certain way? It’s not nice, is it. So why on earth would you want to make your partner feel like that? Instead, why don’t you look at the things he or she DOES do right. And then tell them. After all, we all want to feel appreciated. And guess what? The more appreciated a person feels, the more they want to do nice things for you. It really is a self-fulfilling prophecy.
4. Ditch the neediness
Needy is not sexy. It’s the complete opposite. And, when you think about it, being needy is simply putting yourself down. What you should actually be aiming for is to be the ‘prize’ that your partner wants to win. Forget being good enough for him or her – they should be the person who wants to win you!
OK, so we’re not saying you should act like a prima donna – far from it. But in terms of your relationship, what you should be is the person that the other one wants to win over. It’s vital to remember that no-one treats a doormat well, so don’t act like one.
5. Treat him or her the way you want to be treated
This is oh-so-true, and one that should actually apply in the way you treat everyone you care about. ‘Do unto others’ is a real truism, and one that, if you put into action within your relationship, can have amazing results.
All good relationships see each party having to compromise on occasion. But a word of warning here – you shouldn’t compromise so much that it’s to the detriment of what you really want. Flexibility and sharing is the key – as well as picking and choosing what it is you compromise over.
If you want kids and he/she doesn’t, this might not be something you could compromise on. But deciding where to go on vacation? Well, if you lose the battle this time, next time it’ll be your turn to choose the destination. You get the picture – sweat the big stuff, not the small.
7. Give the relationship the time it deserves
In other words, spend time with your other half. Sure, when you’re going through the honeymoon period then you don’t want to spend a minute apart. But when you’re a few months (or years) further down the line it can be easy to let quality time slip.
Make the effort. Organize date nights, plan weekends away together, spend time cooking a meal, surprise him or her with a visit to a fancy restaurant, or a picnic. It doesn’t matter what you do – just be sure that you do things together.
8. Probably the biggest takeaway from this read – don’t ever be afraid to leave
Now, when push comes to shove, if you’ve tried everything you can think of, and the relationship still fails to make you happy, then the only course of action left to you is to leave. This might sound crazily drastic, but (once again) we need to put the emotional aspect to one side for a moment. And you’re never going to have the relationship you want with someone who truly doesn’t make you happy.
The only way you’re going to find that happy nirvana is to leave it behind. If you can’t settle things, then you certainly shouldn’t settle for second best. Hard as it might be, having no relationship is better than having one that doesn’t fulfill what you want. Remember, this is all about having the relationship you WANT to have, not simply having a relationship…